Reminding myself of TruthI have pretty vivid dreams and one of the unfortunate things about Scott being far away is that I'll have dreams and then wake up wondering if Scott was merely a dream or for real.
This makes mornings somewhat difficult for me since Scott's been away. I've had bad dreams for the past couple of nights, and when I wake up, I feel somewhat nonexistent and wonder what is real and what is imaginary.
The other night, I had a dream that the wedding was called off over disagreements over boutonnières (a fine mix of what happens when you watch the movie
27 Dresses and then look up photos of boutonnières before you go to sleep).
I woke up and wondered if it was true. It had felt so vivid. But then, I felt the ring on my finger and took a deep breath. I remember how, at one point in time, I didn't think an engagement ring was necessary.
It's a marketing scheme from the diamond industry, I claimed. But Saturday morning, I was glad for that ring.
It stinks waking up and having that heavy "I don't want to enter into this day" sort of feeling due to exhaustion from emotional ups and downs. I find myself looking through the DSM, wondering if I'm depressed, but then realize I'm not depressed -- I'm merely missing my fiance.
People have told me I should make my life busy, but I don't want to put a blanket over my missing Scott. At the same time, I don't want to become immobilized by my missing Scott either or dwell in the sorrow. I want to own my feelings and realize they are there without covering them up, especially since I try to cover up my feelings because I don't want to feel weak.
Truth is, I
am weak. "We are not as strong as we think we are." And I do believe that feeling is good, just as I do believe each day will get better, as each day already is getting better. I'm not going to stop living because I miss Scott, but I'm also not going to cover up my missing him. Because I miss him...a lot.
This morning, I spent some time in Tim Keller's study on Galatians, which Scott and I are going through. There were some good thoughts through it:
1. As you look back on your life how can you see that God was working, even though you didn't know it at the time:
a. To protect you?(I haven't answered this one yet, although my lack of dating in the past was God's form of protection towards me...)
b. To wake you up to things you denied?
I realized I was beginning to love Scott more than God and although it's okay to love Scott a ton, it's the ordering of our loves that is critical.
I remember hearing on NPR a few weeks ago about how someone was predicting Jesus to return in something like 2015 or so, and I remember my first thought being "but that means only 7 years married to Scott...that's too short..." I felt guilty thinking it, but I didn't actually try to change my loves and own up and repent to the fact that I was looking more forward to shared life with Scott than to seeing my Lord and Savior face-to-face.
c. To show you weaknesses or flaws in yourself? I do have pride/independence issues. I remember a while back when a husband emailed a bunch of folks saying he was going out of the country and that his wife was bummed about it and that we should care for her. I remember thinking "oh, how weak, can't she cope with a week without her husband?" (I also added in my mind "at least she has a husband that will come back...I don't even know if I'll ever have one!").
But yeah...I guess I can see it now, and I guess it's fairly normal to miss someone so much. Most of the folks I've talked to (even the "tough" ones that I can't even imagine crying) say they miss their spouses when they're gone for even one night. But I'm also realizing more and more how I'm marrying Scott because I can't live on my own (not just because he's a fun addition to my life, although he is).
Slight distinction, but I do need his companionship. In one of the Keller sermons it was talking about Adam in the Garden of Eden and how, pre-fall, it was not good for him to be alone - that is, loneliness occurred pre-fall, which means loneliness is not necessarily a sin or weakness (which is something that society has made us to believe -- "What? You NEED people? You weak thing, get a grip and don't be so damn needy...").
But, to some extent, realizing our loneliness and need for companionship is almost a sign of us being able to see how God designed us - to be in relationship with one another. Now this doesn't mean that we're hanging out with people all the time, but it does mean that we engage with people and actually relate with them on deeper ways where we can be known.
This also relates to Question B (above) about things I denied -- Sure, there is loneliness and missing that will happen with Scott being gone. And I will feel incomplete without him by my side or actively in my life on a daily basis.
But I also have to realize that although God has created us for companionship, He also is our companion. And sure, God reveals Himself through others (like Scott), but God can preach me the Gospel through others' lives and my relationships with them. Scott's not the ONLY one doing that for me, although he is a major person in doing that (and he is the only one that can preach me the Gospel through a marriage relationship).
So yes, it is okay if I feel like a wreck sometimes. My life is unbalanced because Scott is part of my life and he's not there. So obviously something would feel like it were missing. But to feel empty and helpless or hopeless is not God's design. Because it is ultimately God that helps me, God that fills me, God that gives me hope.
Anywhoo, you can be praying these words become reality...in all honesty, I say these things to preach it to myself in hopes I'll return to believing it completely. And that the mornings will be better.
Thanks.
cheers,
jane
who is very needy and is grateful for a God that fills those needs
